


Reshaped by fire

by Robin1103



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Broken Caleb, Gen, Guilt, Hurt Caleb, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Patricide, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Harm, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, killing mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 05:36:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15965792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robin1103/pseuds/Robin1103
Summary: Caleb wasn't lying when he said he was broken.





	Reshaped by fire

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in an hour. Don't expect anything great. Hope you enjoy the angst. 
> 
> My tumblr is Still-an-asshole if you care.

Sometimes Caleb does nothing other than think. He does not read, he does not talk or fiddle with his fingers. He simply thinks. 

Sometimes his thoughts will cause him to shake, to quake in hard to conceal terror. Sometimes the thoughts will steal his breath. Sometimes he becomes convinced that Trent is coming back, that he will break Caleb again. Sometimes Caleb lives in fantasy, constructed by his fears. And Trent is there, with his cold eyes and disapproval. Trent is there and Caleb, well Caleb breaks. 

__Sometimes his thoughts make feelings appear, so he is forced to trap his heart in a cage. To ensure he is numb, so he feels nothing other than the steady thrum of focus. He gets so much work done when he is numb, his hands don't shake and his writing is almost perfect. Some part of his mind whispers to him that his work is imperfect, he must do it again. He refuses to acknowledge how much that thought sounds like Trent's disapproving voice._ _

__He thinks of how he has changed. He used to be so ambitious, so ready to help the empire. He used to smile, laugh and move around freely. He used to love and trust wholly. Now he has nightmares about making too much noise in one area, knows the empires reach is so much greater than anyone knows. Caleb likes the quiet. Now Caleb can't trust anyone, now Caleb cant even trust himself _because he killed them._ His beloved parents. How they loved him and cared for him. They struggled for him, and he slaughtered them in his childhood home. _ _

Sometimes Caleb aches for something to punch, something to tear apart. He gets _so angry._ On bad nights he tears into his own skin and pretends it makes him feel better. On bad nights Caleb hears his mother screaming screaming screaming as he mutilates himself.

Caleb feels his soul is stained by soot and ash. His heart is bleeding and hands have been charred. 

Sometimes Caleb relives it all. He remembers it all, curse his mind. The abuse from Trent, the moments of doubt, the planting of thoughts, the choking from Astrid's parents as they were poisoned, the flames flickering, the screams oh god the screams.. Sometimes Caleb can do nothing but watch as everything happens again and again. He was so sure, so sure so sure, until he wasn't. 

Sometimes Caleb wishes he was never born. Sometimes he wishes Trent had killed him, that the fire had swallowed him too. Most of all, Caleb wishes to be punished by any other hands than his own.

Caleb is broken, all of the time.


End file.
